Thursday, February 28, 2008

English Jokes

What time is it?

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A tramp lie down and sleep in the park. He had been sleeping for about 5 minutes when a couple walked by. The man stopped, woke the tramp up , and asked him, "Excuse me.

Do you know what the time is?" The tramp replied, "I'm sorry - I don't have a watch, so I don't know the time."

The man apologised for waking the tramp and the couple walked away.

The tramp lay down again, and after a few minutes went back to sleep. Just then, a woman, who was out walking her dog, shook the tramp's shoulder until he woke up again.

The woman said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm afraid I've lost my watch - do you happen to know the time?" The tramp was a little annoyed at being woken up again, but he politely told the woman that he didn't have a watch and didn't know the time.

After the woman had gone, the tramp had an idea.
He opened the bag that contained all his possessions and got out a pen, a piece of paper and some string. On the paper, he wrote down, 'I do not have a watch. I do not know the time'.

He then hung the paper round his neck and eventually dropped off again.

After about 15 minutes, a policeman who was walking through the park noticed the tramp asleep on the bench, and the sign around his neck.

He woke the tramp up and said, "I read your sign. I thought you'd like to know that it's 2:30 p.m."
Learning Part
Tramp = Homeless person

Apologize = To make excuse for a fault or offense

Politely = Adv for Politely. Refine / Showing consideration for others

Contain = To have as component part

Possession = Noun for possess. To own something

English Jokes

Employee Memo

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Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor.

You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I...T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T) P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.

They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time. !


The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training. (The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)
Learning Part
The author makes fun of the acronym S.H.I.T. It's the bad sarcastic that all the elements in the organizations are just a shit

Assure = Person's signature

Productivity = The quality of being productive

Supervisor = Person who in charge of one department or working unit

Immediately = Without delay

Emphasize = Stress. To pay strong attention on something

Bureau = A subdivision of a department

Sarcastic = Ironic to mark intended to wounds

English Jokes

Four friend at a party

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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!!

Learning Part
Very funny......

Reunite = Person's signature

Pride = A sense of one's own value

Ladder = Sharop hit with hand

Terrific = Sudden amazement

Stripper = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge

Shame = Ancestor / family member in the old time

Disappointment = Feeling unhappy that the result is not as expected.

Ashamed = embarrassing feeling

English Jokes

Chinese and Spielberg

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One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

Learning Part
The author plays with the word "berg"

Autograph = Person's signature

Slap = Sharp hit with hand

Astonish = Sudden amaze

Sank = Past tense of sink means slow go down into water/ submerge

Forefather = Ancestor / family member in the old time

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

English Jokes

Important things for doctor

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In an anatomy class, a professor teaches his students with the real dead body.

Every students stand around the surgery table. The dead body lie there covering by a big white blanket.

The professor starts teaching " To be a good doctor, there are two important things that everyone of you have to keep in mind. The first one is NEVER FEEL DISGUSTING WITH THE BODY"

The professor then open the blanket and slowly poke his finger deeply to the dead body's anus, spin the finger and suck it right in front of the students.

The professor said to everyone "do it Hurry!"

The students are all feeling very disgusting with the bizarre example but they all decide to do it just to satisfy the professor.

After everyone is done, the professor strongly stare at everyone and said out loud.

"Well, the second important thing for being a good doctor is that "BE OBSERVANT." If you noticed it you would see that I poke my middle finger in the anus but suck my index finger!!"

Learning Part
The students did not realize that the doctor use different finger so they all got fooled by him and suck the finger they use to poke the anus (yuck!!)

Anatomy = The science of body structure and organism

Surgery = Medical Operation

Disgusting = Highly offensive with something

Poke = Push or jab

Bizarre = Extremely unconventional style or manner

Observant = Quick to perceive or apprehend

Middle finger = Second finger between index finger and ring finger

Index finger = Finger next to thumb

English Jokes

Question and Answer for a laugh

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Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

Q: Secret of long life
A: Morning two eggs, evening two pegs... and night two legs

Learning Part
Quite straightforward ha?

Similarity = Noun of similar means a correspond feature of something

woman's period = The monthly flow of blood that woman have; also called menses

Mosquito = Two wings insects. The female sucks blood for living.

English Jokes

What panda does in a cafe

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A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I'm a panda," he says, at the door.

"Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation...

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Learning Part
You will understand the joke if you know that the author play with word "shoot and leave."

The meaning of shoot in the manual means "a part of bamboo" and leaves mean "a green part of tree" but panda misunderstood the meaning.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

English Jokes

Marriage Life 3

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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

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Monday, February 4, 2008

Fuuny Joke

Marriage Life2

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"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them."

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? "

"I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me."

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Funny Joke

Marriage Life 1

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Below are bunch of funny jokes about marriage life.

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste."

"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"Husband and wife become two sides of a coin after the marriage; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

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